Emotions Running Fast

Whoa! Where did those tears come from? Almost 15 months and I have managed to keep those from rolling in front of others. Today seemed to bring about many thoughts, feelings, fears, and emotions I had been bottling up for so long, fearing they might be seen or heard with judgement or worse, pitty. For the most part, up until now, my tears have fallen on my pillow. The tears of fear for my baby girl’s future, of sadness for the unfairness, the endless pain and suffering she endures, and the tears for our family and the battle all my boys, husband included, must face too. All of these tears, soaked into the pillow for so many months…then today.

Today began with many of the daily frustrations that come with the new territory; family with a “special needs” child. I can’t believe I am saying this “out loud.” My precious girl has always been special, but now she has special needs, needs that I may not always be able to fill, needs that require extraordinary measures at times, and needs that require special attention, specialized care and therapy. Today was the first time I may have swallowed that pill. This new reality that I never really “saw” until now. I have never feared going out with the kids, having fun as a family, taking all of the kids with us to an event, gathering or celebration. I am never worried of how they will act, if they will lose their temper or patience or if I will too, I have always loved bringing my kids along with me anywhere I go and I have even travelled alone with the three kids without fear. Today was different. Today I saw our life through a different lens and today I was hurt. Before it was even 7am, I found myself so worn down and so exhausted that I couldn’t imagine how I would get us out the door, let alone get us through the day, week or next months. I am their mom, how is it that I can’t make it and it is only 7am? My shoulders dropped, head bowed and the tears welled in my eyes. This pain was knotted in my throat it seemed. The lump grew a size bigger this morning as I realized our lives were indeed different and will not be returning to “normal.”

We did eventually get out the door and off we went, van packed with balloons, cheer, our family and smiles of hope, hope for a great day! Today was the CN Cycle for CHEO, Candlelighters and RMH {benefiting childhood cancer research and famillies}. Today we were spending the day with family and friends and fellow warriors with one goal in mind, to kiss cancer goodbye together. Our Team Kisses for Abbigail set out to do that and raised over $4,500 on our own!!! The morning was rushed, the kids were anxious, I was tired and stressed over insignificant things, so when we pulled up to the event, and I got out to see dozens, and I mean dozens of people, wearing white, all there to honour our daughter, I couldn’t help but cry. I couldn’t help but feel so much love and so much support. We have the most amazing support system of family and friends who came out in the heat to proudly wear a piece of cardboard that represented our personal fight with cancer this year. To many, this was an event to raise money for Childhood Cancer Research and it was that, but to me it was a lot more too. Watching so many people walk along side us, travel from far to just be there for support, carry our children, laugh with us and give us some good old fashioned hugs was absolutely heartwarming and amazing. Today was amazing! The event was a success, raising over $725K for Pediatric Cancer in Ottawa, it was also a success at letting me open my heart to the blessings of this “new normal.”

As the day culminated and I splashed around with the kids as they bathed before bed, I looked into my Abbigail’s eyes and saw my two year old baby girl, my warrior, my hero…battered and bruised, but never broken. Today was the last time I tucked in my “baby” as she will be three tomorrow! My “baby” girl will be one year older. She will have fought through an other year! We always seem to mourn our children’s birthdays, as the milestones are one year closer to them leaving our home, making a family of their own and just simply growing up, but tonight I felt happy she was going to be celebrating a birthday tomorrow. I am excited to see her blow out yet an other candle, open gifts, tear paper, throw cards and be a three year old. My baby is growing up and we have the privilege to watch and be a part of it. They are our gifts and for that I am grateful for and each year I will meet these milestones with happiness and gratitude for an other year of memories, sorrows felt together, laughter and joys. We are not all so lucky to have one more birthday. Although I am crying as I write this, I will not be sad that she is growing up, I will be happy that she is with me to blow out this third candle tomorrow. The tears will flow tomorrow, but they will be tears of absolute joy and happiness for the loving family that we have created Matthew. ❤

As I tucked our kids into bed tonight, I did not see the frustration from this morning, I did not hear screams or outbursts, I wasn’t worried about the time, the mess or the next day and what it might bring. As I tucked them into bed, I felt like the luckiest woman on earth. Here I am with three beautiful children and my husband at my side, and all of the blessings that come with the support of family and friends. The stresses of the morning, the fears of the future and the tears I wept today were pushed aside by their kisses goodnight. This journey is hard on us all and it is not something I can always express but at the end of the day, we are together and that is half the battle. Matthew, William, Abbigail and Madden, you are my world and nothing means more to me than your smiles, love and happiness. You are worth all of the tears I must weep…

 

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